The Dapper Lad

WANTED

We’re wondering if by any chance there are two way different versions of this film being shown to audiences around the country right now, because all of the reviews of it are split right down the middle.  Some people love it, some hate it.  Here at The Lad, we do things a little differently.  We’re going to play it coy.

We may have liked this movie.

It starts out a little like The Matrix, only Morgan Freeman is playing the role of Morpheus, and once things really get rolling, the action scenes and stunts are right on par with Keanu’s blockbuster.  Sprinkle in a little Angelina Jolie (looking damn good for a mother of 12), a heaping teaspoon of bullet bending, and add some James Mcavoy to taste, and you’ve got yourself a surprisingly solid batch of summer action movie cupcakes. It’s not going to change any lives or win any Oscars, but it definitely delivers the goods when it counts.

GRADE:  B

Next up,

WALL*E

Now this movie we liked.  Tremendously.  In fact, we’ll save you the suspense and tell you now that we give it an A.  You really shouldn’t know too much going in, so here’s a quick rundown.  It’s set in the distant future.  Wall*E is a trash collector with a cockroach for a pet.  There are hardly any spoken lines at all.  And it is a genuinely enjoyable time at the movies.  We don’t like throwing around phrases like “Instant Classic” any more than we like throwing around phrases like “Aren’t Those My Sister’s Panties In Your Glovebox?”, but we’re afraid we’re going to have to join the raving masses on this one, Wall*E is the real deal.  Go.

GRADE: A

Several months ago we put out feelers to the Russian Mob with a great money making scheme.* We feel that far too much of Apple’s stock valuation was wrapped up in Steve Jobs and that simply shorting Apple stock and then eliminating Steve Jobs would make fantastic amounts of money. Of course the problem with this plan was that we, as mild-mannered bloggers a.) don’t have enough cash lying around to short enough Apple stock to make it worth it and b.) don’t have any experience in making CEO’s go away. That’s where the Russian Mob came in, but at the time they said that they resources were all tied up with bootlegging gasoline and trying to catchup with those durned Boondock Saints before the Saints caught up with the Russian Mob. It was a classic case of the hunter becoming the hunter, but that’s neither there nor here.

Anyways, the point is that we thought that the plan had fallen through until we saw this. Obviously the Russian Mob has taken our idea and are poisoning Jobs with polonium. Mr. Safranox, we are patiently awaiting our royalties check.

* In case the FBI or the Russian Mob is reading this, the reason you don’t remember this happening is because it never actually happened.

Words fail us.

The New Yorker just published (it was a couple of weeks ago, but we’re a little bit behind) a beast (14 pages on the website and 16 in the actual magazine) of an article about the collapse of Al-Qaeda’s philosophy of Jihad.  It isn’t a funny or an easy article, but we found it fascinating.

At the end it basically says that terrorist organizations go away for three reasons: their leadership is removed, their sanctuaries cease to act as such, or the social conditions that give rise to the movement change.  None of these conditions have been met for Al-Qaeda specifically or radical Islam in general, but still gives the impression that winning the war on terror (at least against the Al-Qaeda version of it) is not only possible, but could happen sooner rather than later.  This leads to a truly terrifying thought:

A future where you can’t simply say “. . . or the terrorists have already won”
after pretty much anything to create comedy gold.  “. . . or the terrorists have already lost” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Hearts and minds, people.  Hearts and minds.

Hello to all of our readers. Those of you using Internet Explorer can pretty much disregard this post, but if you happen to be visiting us courtesy of the good folks at Safari or Firefox, you may have noticed that The Dapper Lad home page is in a bit of disrepair. Top Men (and women, we’re sure) have been notified and are working on solving the issues at hand. We thank you for you patience in these troubled times, and are pleased to report to you that despite these problems we are currently having, the National Threat level is holding steady at Orange.

Courage.

We have gathered the top political writers in the country, and are asking them to discuss the presidential race. Today they discuss the end of the Democratic primary, Senator Clinton’s future, and a brief look at the general.

The Dapper Lad: It’s been a very eventful week, with Senator Obama wrapping up the nomination and Senator Clinton set to end her campaign, where do you see the race going now?

Ryan (Time Magazine): Finally. It is about freaking time. Now the race truly begins, and I for one am excited to see which dirty trick the Republicans try first. My money’s on Secret Muslim.

Jeff (The New Yorker): Or McCain sticks out his fist and Rove hits it, but it windmills around and bops Obama on the head.

Luke (Wall Street Journal): Karl Rove was on Fox News last night giving advice about how McCain should proceed. If I was McCain, I wouldn’t let this guy anywhere near my campaign. I would also be able to get into movies cheaper than regular price.

Jeff: Wait… the bigger question is… why were you watching Fox News last night?

TDL: What do you make of Senator McCain’s idea of ten town hall meetings throughout the summer?

Jeff: I’m curious why ten before the convention. My hunch tells me they figure Obama’s numbers are trending down from this protracted primary, and they want to keep the negative momentum going. Strike while the iron’s hot–otherwise any idle time gives Obama a chance to recover.

Luke: I think the pressure is on McCain now, because he finally has to open his mouth and say things. His track record isn’t that good. The whole 10,000 years in Iraq thing, the gas tax. A couple of those comments and it won’t matter who Obama chooses for a running mate.

Jeff: If McCain is proposing ten town hall meetings… Obama should propose ten 1-on-1 games of basketball. Seriously. Who in America wouldn’t vote for the winner of that? Actually, I’m giddy as I type this. It’s actually a really, really, really good idea. Do Obama’s people troll this website?

Mystery Voice: Yes. We do.

Ryan: What does McCain think he will gain with these town hall meetings? Does he really think he’s going to win an argument with Obama about Iraq? Or the economy? Or health care? Wait a minute. Maybe he doesn’t want to debate at all, maybe he’s got other ideas. Don’t do it, Barack! Run! It’s a trap!

Jeff: [Fast forward to first town hall meeting] Mr. Obama, for tonight’s meeting, you’ll be standing over here… right on this big red X.

Luke: [Fast forward to second town hall meeting] Mr. Obama, our first question comes from Harriet Gillespy in Keokuk, Iowa…. Homosayswhat?

Read more »

http://view.break.com/514013

In a speech Senator John McCain charged that Senator Barack Obama’s policies toward Iraq and Iran would create chaos in the Mideast.

He’s so much more fun to listen to when you cut everything but his first and last sentence. Courtesy of comedian Joe Mande.