The Dapper Lad

As Dapper Lad’s resident family man I’ll take it upon myself to review the latest films targeted to families. The big hit from Pixar, WALL-E, can be reviewed by my oldest wee-one in four words: “Do it again please.”  Pixar has succeeded in making a great motion picture that is accessible to children rather than just writing a piece of crap and tricking kids to come because they don’t know any better.

The downside is that since Disney bought Pixar in 2006 the viewer has to succumb to what Eisenhower warned America about before your grandpa’s pubes turned grey: The Disney-Media complex. I don’t know the length in time of WALL-E since I was floating on a cloud of disbelief for the entire movie. There was no war in Iraq, no floods, no recession - the only thing that existed was me, my son, my wife, and a couple of robots falling in love. Before the movie I experienced the longest one minute thirty seconds of my life.  So before pressing play on the trailer below for BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA get some provisions because it’s gonna be a while.

We finally got around to watching There Will Be Blood and we loved it. However, we were disturbed by the fact that we were identifying with Daniel Day Lewis’ character beyond our mutual love of bowling related violence (Over the Line! I’m sorry Smokey. You were over the line. That’s a foul. Smokey, this is not Nam’. This is bowling. There are rules.)

With that said, we’re pretty sure that he didn’t win the Oscar for his great portrayal of the everyman, which makes us feel weird.

The New York Times’ review of the Love Guru is one of the most vicious reviews we’ve ever read. If you read it and then insist on still seeing it, don’t say that we didn’t warn you.

Because we can and it smells like victory.

We just saw Get Smart* and while The Rock isn’t going to win the Best Supporting Oscar for it, he should. As far as we are concerned, it isn’t a question of when The Rock will win an Oscar, but how many he’ll win before he’s done. He’s the Marlo Brando of our era.

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We’ll be honest, here at The Lad we have many pastimes that we enjoy, but none that we find more deeply satisfying than sitting down and doing some good old fashioned judging. Restaurants, movies, races of people, we judge it all, and relish the opportunity.  What’s more, it’s even better when we get to not only judge something, but then actually decide it’s fate as well.  And if there’s one thing that goes hand in hand with deciding someone’s fate on a whim, it’s the Seattle International Film Festival. Seriously, they’re like peanut butter and chocolate.

So click this link, watch a few movies, and enjoy the raw unadulterated power that comes with your vote.

http://myfestival.indieflix.com/

Note:  While judging, tenting your fingers and laughing maniacally are recommended, but optional.  We certainly enjoy them, but you be the judge.

Da da da da, da da daaa! If you don’t know the tune by now, please don’t visit this site anymore. Chances are, this is the 9,000th review for this movie that you have seen, so we’ll keep it short. (We know you’re itching to get to those nude Emma Watson pics). We, like most everyone we know, are HUGE Indy fans, and we’ve looked forward to this movie for quite a while. We would like to report to you that this movie is fantastic, that Dr. Jones has not aged one bit, and that Shia Lebouf playing a pseudo tough guy greaser is not nearly as annoying as you think he is.

It’s not. He has. And oh my God, put the comb down.

That said, it’s not like this was Battlefield Earth 3 or something. It’s definitely an Indiana Jones movie, but it’s also definitely not the best Indiana Jones movie. Though, to be fair, it’s probably better than Temple Of Doom, chilled monkey brains not withstanding. You’re going to see it, so we’ll spare you the plot synopsis, but we will say this to Mr. Spielberg,

“Hey Steve, nice CGI. Stop spending so much time with George Lucas, and get back to real movie making. We know a fake monkey when we see it. “

Folks, you may not realize it now, but we’re doing you a huge service. By drastically lowering your expectations, we’re ensuring that you will enjoy this movie as much as possible. Go. Buy some popcorn. Watch the Batman Trailer. And try not to think too hard about whether or not someone can survive a nuclear blast by climbing into a kitchen appliance.

GRADE: B

Nikko Home Electronics has created a DVD player that looks and moves like R2D2 — with a remote shaped like the Millenium Falcon. The specs aren’t bad: a claimed projection area of up to 6.6m; built-in DVD and CD players; analog and digital video and audio ports; various memory card orifices, and an internal iPod dock. Favorite feature: tilt the legs to adjust the projection height, up to and including projection on the ceiling.

They’ve also got an R2D2 shaped webcam.

IRON MAN

Going in to this movie, we were somewhat concerned. Not because we don’t like superhero movies, on the contrary, we’re tremendous fans of most of them (obviously, tripe like Daredevil, Catwoman, and Ghost Rider can go F itself, excuse our language). No, we were concerned by Iron Man’s near universal praise from critics and fans alike. Usually that translates into raised expectations, and raised expectations in our universe are all too easily dashed. But we are proud to report that upon exiting the theater, we were poised to declare to all the world that;

IRON MAN IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE!!!

But to be fair, we’ve always had a problem getting caught up in movies, and we’ve still got the chemical burn on the back of our hand to prove it.

No, Iron Man may not be the best ever, but it is damn good. It starts out in the desert of Afghanistan (surprise) where weapons developer Tony Stark, played with a unique intensity by the son of Robert Downey, is taken captive by a band of terrorists and ordered to construct an ultimate weapon for them. He says sure, and then goes about the business of getting all ironed up. Not to give too much away, but he does eventually escape (the whole movie isn’t spent in a prison camp) and return home to perfect his suit design and hit on his assistant (hello Gwyneth Paltrow, where have you been?).

The movie deals with the origins of a superhero in a really fun way, and then, once Iron Man the man starts flying, Iron Man the movie follows suit. It is a great ride, and in our opinion, the last 5 seconds are perhaps the greatest part. We’re very happy that it’s only the beginning of a trilogy. Go see it now. Also, wait until after the credits before you leave. You’ve been told.

GRADE:  A-

Sure, there will always be a soft spot in our hearts for the classics like Goonies, The Breakfast Club, and Red Dawn, but how do these movies hold up to the passage of time? Please feel free to comment on how your favorite 80’s movie would fare if it were released today. For our money, it doesn’t get any better than Real Genius, despite the 7 different music montages.

I have some exciting tremendous exciting news for cinema enthusiasts: Breaking new ground once again, young filmmaker Steven Spielberg (”The Last Gun”, “Firelight”, and the much overlooked “Jaws”) presents us with a bold tale of Unidentified Flying Objects in “Close Encounters of the Third Kind“. And, apparently, this film already has a growing cult status — I mentioned the film to a friend of mine, who declared it a landmark science fiction movie. I think it’s a little early to pile such statements of grandeur upon “Close”, but it certainly is a weird adventure comedy!

Richard Dreyfuss (”American Graffiti”) stars as Roy Neary, an electrical lineman who has an encounter — presumably, a “Close” one — with an Unidentified Flying Object (UFO) and becomes obsessed with them, much to the dismay of his wife Veronica Neary, played by knockout actress and personal fantasy Teri Garr (”The Absent-Minded Waiter”). Then, some things happen and the spaceship lands at the end.

I was confused but mostly hungry (mashed potatoes! ooh!) throughout the screening in my friend Chet’s garage, but was relieved at the numerous commercial breaks embedded in the film, during which I made partial orders on a personal pizza (I completed the order after five breaks), only to find the phone had been disconnected in September. Chet agreed to help me acquire a pizza to “shut me up” (Chet is a kidder)(and a wife stealer), which he later told me was a tortilla covered with Cheet-os, but I swear it was a delicious delicacy.

“Close” will most certainly gain an audience and possibly lead to box office success, but only time will tell. And my watch is broken. Can I have another one, Chet?

MOVIE: D+
PIZZA: A-