The Dapper Lad

Wanna have some fun?

First read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deductive_reasoning

Then watch this: http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/07/16/911.billboard/#cnnSTCVideo

This is what 3 hours at dinner with some of our relatives is like.

The most recent cover of The New Yorker features a drawing of Obama dressed as an Arab, giving a fist bump to his militant black wife, while the US flag burns in the fireplace and a portrait of Osama hangs on the wall.

The Obama camp has gotten in a tizzy about this and the talking heads all agree that it is in bad taste. The major problem with this “controversy” is that it is obviously making fun of all the absurd misconceptions about Obama. Has this country really forgotten its sense of humor so completely that it can’t recognize satire when we see it?

There are some other problems with this “controversy” (we keep putting it into quotes, because we really can’t wrap our mind around anyone actually being upset by this.) The one of the biggest is that the vast majority of The New Yorker’s readership are wannabe quasi-intellectuals who are already going to vote for Obama. Furthermore, as quasi-intellectuals, they were probably able to realize that the cover is satire. The number of votes Obama lost because of this cover can probably be counted on one hand. If team Obama had just let it go, no one would have noticed because it is The New Yorker and it really only matters to people who read it.

This is Hillary Clinton’s fault.

This sort of thing is why the comedian in me wants McCain to win. Dementia.

Because he was cleared of any wrongdoing in the death of his 14-year-old neighbor, and that’s change we can all believe in.

Last year Representative Charles Pickering decided not to run for re-election, citing the need to spend more time with his family. When he withdrew his name as a possible replacement for retiring senator Trent Lott, he again claimed that he wanted to spend more time with his family.

Well, he didn’t do it soon enough because he is filing for divorce. Like we always say the key to comedy a successful marriage is timing.

So now that his family life is over, is he back in the race for his Congressional seat?

No, don’t be an idiot; he is getting a fat lobbyist job, dur.

We all know for a fact that Al Gore is stiff, George W. Bush is dumb, John Kerry is a flip-flopper, John McCain is old, and Barack Obama is bla…bla…inexperienced. However, is there a way to use this for comic effect?

Well, joining The Dapper Lad is veteran late night monologue writer Warren O’Malley. He will be lending his comic take throughout the campaign:

(Reuters) - Republican John McCain said on Monday if elected president he would challenge American experts to develop a futuristic battery to power cars and win a $300 million prize.

–McCain added, “I wish I had thought of this when I helped invent the car.”

–McCain added, “$300 million would put a dent into any Swiss Chalet Early Bird Buffet.”

–This isn’t the first time McCain has tried this, when he first ran for Senate he offered a cash prize for a futuristic horse drawn carriage.

–McCain used Brazil as an example of a country that has been sucessfuly working towards fuel efficient cars, adding, “If my good friend King Manuel I of Portugal can make it work, so can I.”

Here is the Democratic Primary in eight minutes.

Also, you still owe me ten bucks, for the movie…so if, I could, uh, get that.

This is going to be a confusing summer for headline writers. Believe it or not, we clicked on this New York Times link, “One Less Obstacle in Big Brown’s Path,” thinking it was going to be about Hillary’s speech today.

We have gathered the top political writers in the country, and are asking them to discuss the presidential race. Today they discuss the end of the Democratic primary, Senator Clinton’s future, and a brief look at the general.

The Dapper Lad: It’s been a very eventful week, with Senator Obama wrapping up the nomination and Senator Clinton set to end her campaign, where do you see the race going now?

Ryan (Time Magazine): Finally. It is about freaking time. Now the race truly begins, and I for one am excited to see which dirty trick the Republicans try first. My money’s on Secret Muslim.

Jeff (The New Yorker): Or McCain sticks out his fist and Rove hits it, but it windmills around and bops Obama on the head.

Luke (Wall Street Journal): Karl Rove was on Fox News last night giving advice about how McCain should proceed. If I was McCain, I wouldn’t let this guy anywhere near my campaign. I would also be able to get into movies cheaper than regular price.

Jeff: Wait… the bigger question is… why were you watching Fox News last night?

TDL: What do you make of Senator McCain’s idea of ten town hall meetings throughout the summer?

Jeff: I’m curious why ten before the convention. My hunch tells me they figure Obama’s numbers are trending down from this protracted primary, and they want to keep the negative momentum going. Strike while the iron’s hot–otherwise any idle time gives Obama a chance to recover.

Luke: I think the pressure is on McCain now, because he finally has to open his mouth and say things. His track record isn’t that good. The whole 10,000 years in Iraq thing, the gas tax. A couple of those comments and it won’t matter who Obama chooses for a running mate.

Jeff: If McCain is proposing ten town hall meetings… Obama should propose ten 1-on-1 games of basketball. Seriously. Who in America wouldn’t vote for the winner of that? Actually, I’m giddy as I type this. It’s actually a really, really, really good idea. Do Obama’s people troll this website?

Mystery Voice: Yes. We do.

Ryan: What does McCain think he will gain with these town hall meetings? Does he really think he’s going to win an argument with Obama about Iraq? Or the economy? Or health care? Wait a minute. Maybe he doesn’t want to debate at all, maybe he’s got other ideas. Don’t do it, Barack! Run! It’s a trap!

Jeff: [Fast forward to first town hall meeting] Mr. Obama, for tonight’s meeting, you’ll be standing over here… right on this big red X.

Luke: [Fast forward to second town hall meeting] Mr. Obama, our first question comes from Harriet Gillespy in Keokuk, Iowa…. Homosayswhat?

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