The Dapper Lad

It’s May Day. That wistful time when we think about the past, contemplate the future, and love each and every person like the joyous individual that they are.

Here’s what I looked like when I was 8. Love me!

Yes, it’s time to celebrate (Eat the) Earth Day — just like this fine young gentleman, here. It’s not every day that we remember (to Eat the) Earth. If only we all could cherish (and Eat the) Earth, then the Earth would be (in) a better place (our stomachs).

He is trying — very hard — to look as silly as possible.

1. A fountain of delicious coffee bubbling in every lobby.

2. Invisible silly putty.

3. Chicken-flavored ice cream.

4. FDR: The Musical.

5. Mandatory polygamy — EVERYWHERE. Why not?

6. Flying goats.

7. A futon that doubles as a thousand dollar bill.

8. Let’s face it: Santa Claus.

Perhaps Ryan Rowland-Smith will step up and be the Mariners’ bullpen savior while JJ Putz is injured?

Pros: He’s Australian!

Cons: He is also the first major league baseball player — ever! — with a hyphenated last name.

Can we trust him? I don’t know. What if he’s in league with the liberals?

This past week, I flew to Latvia.

I was — almost unbelievably — invited there by the State Department of the United States of America. Who knew we had an Embassy in Latvia?

Well, the folks here, for starters: http://riga.usembassy.gov/EN/site/embassy/rel20080331toutonghi

The title for this story — American Author, Pauls Toutonghi, Shares Stories with Latvian Audiences — is truly piquant! And no, David, they were not dirty stories. Not most of them anyway.

All I can say is this. I loved my time there. And I had two potentially disfiguring accidents in Latvian restrooms. Don’t worry. I’m fine. I know you were worried. It’s just that the floors are slick, apparently, in Latvian restrooms. And THAT, my friends, is something you WON’T FIND IN THE GUIDEBOOKS.

I was — quite honestly — inspired by the Tina Fey monologue on SNL. And I did in fact vote for Hillary. I think she’d be a good president. Really and truly.