The Dapper Lad

A platter of deep-fried grease filled with fingernail clippings.

Yes, we are serious, and no, you may not ask.

…and it’s in Chile.

Full story here.

I have some exciting tremendous exciting news for cinema enthusiasts: Breaking new ground once again, young filmmaker Steven Spielberg (”The Last Gun”, “Firelight”, and the much overlooked “Jaws”) presents us with a bold tale of Unidentified Flying Objects in “Close Encounters of the Third Kind“. And, apparently, this film already has a growing cult status — I mentioned the film to a friend of mine, who declared it a landmark science fiction movie. I think it’s a little early to pile such statements of grandeur upon “Close”, but it certainly is a weird adventure comedy!

Richard Dreyfuss (”American Graffiti”) stars as Roy Neary, an electrical lineman who has an encounter — presumably, a “Close” one — with an Unidentified Flying Object (UFO) and becomes obsessed with them, much to the dismay of his wife Veronica Neary, played by knockout actress and personal fantasy Teri Garr (”The Absent-Minded Waiter”). Then, some things happen and the spaceship lands at the end.

I was confused but mostly hungry (mashed potatoes! ooh!) throughout the screening in my friend Chet’s garage, but was relieved at the numerous commercial breaks embedded in the film, during which I made partial orders on a personal pizza (I completed the order after five breaks), only to find the phone had been disconnected in September. Chet agreed to help me acquire a pizza to “shut me up” (Chet is a kidder)(and a wife stealer), which he later told me was a tortilla covered with Cheet-os, but I swear it was a delicious delicacy.

“Close” will most certainly gain an audience and possibly lead to box office success, but only time will tell. And my watch is broken. Can I have another one, Chet?

MOVIE: D+
PIZZA: A-

Change Your Life Forever, a coming-of-age drama comedy centered around Pete Rickey, an all-American football benchwarmer and straight-B student who discovers that life is difficult for a high school teenager, until he gets bit by a vampire and drops all his other endeavors in pursuit of the sweet, sweet blood. Rated G.

Fire and Ice in Your Pants, a cop buddy-film about detectives Mike Fire and Alfonso Ice in the dingy, crime-ridden town of Your Pants, Alaska. Stuffed with cute musical numbers and a side-plot about saving the earth from a rogue asteroid, see Alaska the way the Bible describes it. Rated NC-17 for references to Alaska.

Don’t Make the Wife Wait, a period drama set in the year 5,901 when all humankind has been extinct for a couple of milleniums and Sarah Billintransitoriumczshffg has finally awoken from cryogenic sleep only to realize her lovable Billintransitoriumczshffg family is gone. Rated F8 for utter confusion and dish towels.

Illustrious Names in the Watch Industry, a documentary about the Swiss watch industry in the 1920s and the infamous story of how the timepieces were all plagued by a mysterious component called the Illustrious Names virus, which turned them all into documentaries about the Swiss watch industry in the 1920s and the infamous story of how the timepieces were all plagued by a mysterious component called the Illustrious Names virus, which turned them all into documentaries about the Swiss watch industry in the 1920s and the infamous story of how the timepieces were all plagued by a mysterious component called the Illustrious Names virus, which turned them all into documentaries about the Swiss watch industry in the 1920s and the infamous story of how the timepieces were all plagued by a mysterious component called the Illustrious Names virus, which turned them all into vampires. Rated with invisible ink, so we dunno.

Get Freaky at the Motel, a new family cartoon from those lovably insane inmates at the Highland Asylum for the Arts about two dust particles that don’t do anything for 40 hours. Rated R for inexplicable violence but, upon order from the warden to remove the sharp points, Rated O.

Rise and Shine to a Longer Beginning, marketed as a another coming-of-age drama, this film is actually blank. Rated XXX for hilarity involving bowler hats.

I Wanted to Increase My Emotional Bond By Having Sex, another installment of the Mike Fire and Alfonso Ice cop franchise, Detectives Fire and Ice are now on the case of a smashed mango with a secret. Rated 8.5 on the high jump but 4.3 in the swimsuit competition.

81% Discount. Coupon #HP2u, a restoration comedy with a taste for ingenuous dissatisfaction for prolonged, interstitially condensed Lopadtemakhoselakhogameokranioleipsanodrimypotrimmatosilphiokarabomelit- okatakekhymenokikhlepikossyphophattoperisterphobiaticlerialektryonoptokephallio-kigklopeleiolagoiosiraiobaphetraganopterygon (that’s right, look it up, jerks). Rated “Best Cafe” by the King of Your Pants.

I Felt Jealous, a film about how I felt about you, Claudia. Rated with tears.

Do not miss a %SPAMIT_CHANE1 to obtain must have medical goods for cheap, a film which, upon closer examination, is actually just Fire and Ice in Your Pants with Spanish subtitles. Rated $%_1ENLARGEMENT.