The Dapper Lad

As Dapper Lad’s resident family man I’ll take it upon myself to review the latest films targeted to families. The big hit from Pixar, WALL-E, can be reviewed by my oldest wee-one in four words: “Do it again please.”  Pixar has succeeded in making a great motion picture that is accessible to children rather than just writing a piece of crap and tricking kids to come because they don’t know any better.

The downside is that since Disney bought Pixar in 2006 the viewer has to succumb to what Eisenhower warned America about before your grandpa’s pubes turned grey: The Disney-Media complex. I don’t know the length in time of WALL-E since I was floating on a cloud of disbelief for the entire movie. There was no war in Iraq, no floods, no recession - the only thing that existed was me, my son, my wife, and a couple of robots falling in love. Before the movie I experienced the longest one minute thirty seconds of my life.  So before pressing play on the trailer below for BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA get some provisions because it’s gonna be a while.

For years people have praised the phrase add-on game where a person adds the phrase “in bed” to the words found on the piece of paper inside a Chinese Fortune cookie; however I always hear

 the same complaint, “ Sure this is fun, but I want something new.”

While sharing a large Laffy Taffy with my son I realized the next big phrase add-on game has been staring us all in the face for years just waiting to be discovered. Call me Christopher Columbus.  Here’s how it works: Take the punch line of a Laffy Taffy joke and add the phrase, “you fucking moron.”

Let’s try some shall we:

Q – What is a tree’s favorite drink?  A – Root Beer! You fucking moron!

Q – How do you know when the moon is going broke?  A – When it is down to a quarter you fucking moron.

The game is over when your three year old cries.

We all know this person: “Surpise me.” “Let me guess.” A friend of mine recently became an aunt for the third time and this time her sister didn’t want to know the sex of the baby. She has a girl and a boy so I kind of understand it - but here’s the kicker - she had no names picked out. She wanted to get to know the baby before naming what turned out to be a him. This is crazy. Naming a baby based on it’s baby-personality is a decision I know I would regret in later years while uttering some common parental phrases: “Hey Endless Shit put away your toys.” - ”No dessert until you have at least one bite of your vegetables Cries All Night.” - “Choke up on the bat Cutsie Ooogie Woogie Woogie.” - “Okay, Stole My Wife’s Tits, say night night to everyone.” 

It’s amazing how good of a father I was before I had kids. I specifically remember an instance on an airplane with a father staring blankly at the person’s head in front of him while his child kicked the seat in front him, “Stop it,” the father repeated, gaze never breaking, “stop it, stop it, just  stop it, I’ll give you [insert] if you stop, I’ll take away [insert] if you don’t stop.”       

At the time I wasn’t a father and I thought to myself that the man should really take an interest in the child and look him in the eye and talk to him - like an adult. Then I had children. Reality hit. There are a lot of things no one tells you: There is lack of sleep - not college lack of sleep - Guantanamo lack of sleep, the idea of luxury changes from a three day weekend out of town to an uninterrupted bowel movement.  

Then small  concessions: a little bit of T.V. then lot bit of T.V., candy bribes, chips for lunch, yelling, pointing, counting BUT ONLY TO THREE! - All the things I said I would never do as a parent began to surface until recently I gave this ultimatum while bathing my two boys: “Stop licking your little brother’s butt cheek or I’ll dump this cup of water in your face!”    

Now I just sit and stare at the back of things and repeat: “Stop it, stop it, just stop it, I’ll give you [insert] if you stop, I’ll take away [insert] if you don’t stop.”