The Dapper Lad

“Just like old times,” Wade Boggs said. “Where’s the horse?”

Because he was cleared of any wrongdoing in the death of his 14-year-old neighbor, and that’s change we can all believe in.

Having never seen the film Star Wars, this photo confuses the hell out of us.

Last year Representative Charles Pickering decided not to run for re-election, citing the need to spend more time with his family. When he withdrew his name as a possible replacement for retiring senator Trent Lott, he again claimed that he wanted to spend more time with his family.

Well, he didn’t do it soon enough because he is filing for divorce. Like we always say the key to comedy a successful marriage is timing.

So now that his family life is over, is he back in the race for his Congressional seat?

No, don’t be an idiot; he is getting a fat lobbyist job, dur.

We all know for a fact that Al Gore is stiff, George W. Bush is dumb, John Kerry is a flip-flopper, John McCain is old, and Barack Obama is bla…bla…inexperienced. However, is there a way to use this for comic effect?

Well, joining The Dapper Lad is veteran late night monologue writer Warren O’Malley. He will be lending his comic take throughout the campaign:

(Reuters) - Republican John McCain said on Monday if elected president he would challenge American experts to develop a futuristic battery to power cars and win a $300 million prize.

–McCain added, “I wish I had thought of this when I helped invent the car.”

–McCain added, “$300 million would put a dent into any Swiss Chalet Early Bird Buffet.”

–This isn’t the first time McCain has tried this, when he first ran for Senate he offered a cash prize for a futuristic horse drawn carriage.

–McCain used Brazil as an example of a country that has been sucessfuly working towards fuel efficient cars, adding, “If my good friend King Manuel I of Portugal can make it work, so can I.”

Here is the Democratic Primary in eight minutes.

Also, you still owe me ten bucks, for the movie…so if, I could, uh, get that.

We have gathered the top political writers in the country, and are asking them to discuss the presidential race. Today they discuss the end of the Democratic primary, Senator Clinton’s future, and a brief look at the general.

The Dapper Lad: It’s been a very eventful week, with Senator Obama wrapping up the nomination and Senator Clinton set to end her campaign, where do you see the race going now?

Ryan (Time Magazine): Finally. It is about freaking time. Now the race truly begins, and I for one am excited to see which dirty trick the Republicans try first. My money’s on Secret Muslim.

Jeff (The New Yorker): Or McCain sticks out his fist and Rove hits it, but it windmills around and bops Obama on the head.

Luke (Wall Street Journal): Karl Rove was on Fox News last night giving advice about how McCain should proceed. If I was McCain, I wouldn’t let this guy anywhere near my campaign. I would also be able to get into movies cheaper than regular price.

Jeff: Wait… the bigger question is… why were you watching Fox News last night?

TDL: What do you make of Senator McCain’s idea of ten town hall meetings throughout the summer?

Jeff: I’m curious why ten before the convention. My hunch tells me they figure Obama’s numbers are trending down from this protracted primary, and they want to keep the negative momentum going. Strike while the iron’s hot–otherwise any idle time gives Obama a chance to recover.

Luke: I think the pressure is on McCain now, because he finally has to open his mouth and say things. His track record isn’t that good. The whole 10,000 years in Iraq thing, the gas tax. A couple of those comments and it won’t matter who Obama chooses for a running mate.

Jeff: If McCain is proposing ten town hall meetings… Obama should propose ten 1-on-1 games of basketball. Seriously. Who in America wouldn’t vote for the winner of that? Actually, I’m giddy as I type this. It’s actually a really, really, really good idea. Do Obama’s people troll this website?

Mystery Voice: Yes. We do.

Ryan: What does McCain think he will gain with these town hall meetings? Does he really think he’s going to win an argument with Obama about Iraq? Or the economy? Or health care? Wait a minute. Maybe he doesn’t want to debate at all, maybe he’s got other ideas. Don’t do it, Barack! Run! It’s a trap!

Jeff: [Fast forward to first town hall meeting] Mr. Obama, for tonight’s meeting, you’ll be standing over here… right on this big red X.

Luke: [Fast forward to second town hall meeting] Mr. Obama, our first question comes from Harriet Gillespy in Keokuk, Iowa…. Homosayswhat?

Read more »

While most of the world will claim that last night was historic because of Barack Obama’s assent to the head of a national ticket, it is simply not the case.

Why was their no mention of Leonra Fulani who was the New Alliance Party candidate in 1988? I guess the 217,211 votes she received meant nothing in the overall picture. Nice “the media,” real nice.

As a nation we all owe her a debt of thanks, because without Fulani, there would be no Obama.

In a speech Senator John McCain charged that Senator Barack Obama’s policies toward Iraq and Iran would create chaos in the Mideast.

Dunkin’ Donuts has pulled an add after some on the right complained that Rachael Ray’s scarf is way too similar to a keffiyeh, which is what some mean people in the Middle East wear when they want to be jerks about things.

While most people with a brain understand why this is ridiculous, we’d like to ask, what if they are right?

What if Dunkin’ Donuts is with the enemy? What have we done?

In LA you can’t go a block without a small donut shop, but in the rest of the world Dunkin’ Donuts are everywhere. We let them come right in and take over.

What’s worse, because we are slaves to slicker marketing campaigns Winchell’s can’t save us now.