Archive for May 28, 2008

They Love Us, They Really Love Us!

Posted in Our Meaningless Lives with tags , , on May 28, 2008 by Bill Arkansaw

The Dapper Lad has been averaging around 200 pages a day for a little while, most of it coming from a baseline of internet searches for “Emma Watson’s Pussy” (it has apparently gone missing and a lot of people are volunteering their time to search for it.) However, something weird happened today: we got 720 views! Now we realize that 720 page views isn’t a lot in the big scheme of things, but it is 260% more pages views than we have ever gotten before and oddly it is from a somewhat unusual source: Scarlett Johansson searches (444 of them ended up here.)

A couple of weeks ago we had a post about how Ms. Johansson is now engaged to a guy who had been engaged to Alanis Morissette. She also just released an album of Tom Waits covers (which combines two of our favorite things, sort of like crack and puppies) so it is understandable that there is a fair amount of attention being paid to her and it is also understandable that some poor souls stumble onto the Dapper Lad.

The really interesting thing is that all the traffic is being generated by one search term “Scarlett Johansson.” As was previously pointed out, there is a wide range of (much pervier) searches that bring Emma Watson pervs to The Dapper Lad. This difference raises some important questions: Are Emma Watson pervs more pervy than Scarlett Johansson pervs and if so, why?

Update:  Things have reverted to the mean.  We’ve gotten all of 175 hits so far today (55 from the Scarlett Johansson people.)  If you were worried that our hip little corner of the interwebs were going to get discovered, you can relax now.

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Pro Baseball Players! They’re Just Like Us. . . Only with Hemorrhoids

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 28, 2008 by Bill Arkansaw

We’ve always held a particularly black spot in our cold shriveled hearts for Detroit first baseman Carlos Guillen. This derives from the days of yore when the Mariner’s weren’t the worst team in baseball and he was their young SS/3B. Back then we were bright eyed under graduates in the Northwest (Missionaries! Missionaries! We’re on top!) and the only televised baseball were the Mariners and their homer announcers who insisted on calling him a five-tool player.

The five-tools in baseball are the ability to hit for average, the ability to hit for power, speed on the bases/in the field, a strong arm and the ability to field well. By any definition, in 2001 when he got this mantle he wasn’t (.259 batting average, 5 home runs, 4 stolen bases, .911 fielding percentage.) It wasn’t his fault that the Mariner’s announcers are were idiots, but Carlos and his five tools became the joke (sort of like the current “Richie Sexson is a dynamic baseball machine” joke that is so popular with the kids these days.)

Regardless, this is all background to part of why we find Carlos Guillen’s current situation so amusing: he’s DHing because his hemorrhoids hurt too much to play 3rd base. We can only hope he either goes on the DL or develops the legendary 6th tool: ability to play with hemorrhoids.

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Donut Let Them Win

Posted in News on May 28, 2008 by dswidler

Dunkin’ Donuts has pulled an add after some on the right complained that Rachael Ray’s scarf is way too similar to a keffiyeh, which is what some mean people in the Middle East wear when they want to be jerks about things.

While most people with a brain understand why this is ridiculous, we’d like to ask, what if they are right?

What if Dunkin’ Donuts is with the enemy? What have we done?

In LA you can’t go a block without a small donut shop, but in the rest of the world Dunkin’ Donuts are everywhere. We let them come right in and take over.

What’s worse, because we are slaves to slicker marketing campaigns Winchell’s can’t save us now.

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Hey, You! Get Your Damn Hands Off Our Funny Bone!

Posted in Our Meaningless Lives on May 28, 2008 by karstencross

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Six Degrees of Wikipedia

Posted in Our Meaningless Lives with tags , , , on May 28, 2008 by Manchild

Everyone knows the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game. Well, some clever programmer has figured out the Six Degrees of Wikipedia: that is, the closest path from any one article to another.

As it turns out, the article at the center of the Wikipedia Universe is “United Kingdom,” in which it only takes an average of 3.67 clicks to get to any of the other 2111479 available articles on Wikipedia.

But, that’s not NEARLY the coolest feature… you can enter your own starting path and ending path, and Six Degrees of Wikipedia figures out the quickest way to get there.

It’s a wicked fun game — the largest distance we’ve gotten is five clicks to get from Oriental rug to fecal impaction. See if you can beat us.

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Finish Him?

Posted in Our Meaningless Lives with tags , , , on May 28, 2008 by karstencross

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God Bless America!

Posted in Our Meaningless Lives with tags , , , , , on May 28, 2008 by rydo

All you can drink draft and well drinks at O'Boys Bar-B-Q in Florida

We aren’t sure, but this sounds like a dare to us. Also, what can go wrong with drinking to your capacity as long as Dr. Fat is around?

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Start Biting Chumps!

Posted in News with tags , , on May 28, 2008 by karstencross

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/05/28/china.facebook/index.html

He’d better not ignore our Lil’ Green Patch request or so help us God we will make angry faces at him behind his back when he becomes Earth Overlord in 2015.

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