Dapper Lad Movie Reviews! We tell you what to like, whether you like it or not.
Da da da da, da da daaa! If you don’t know the tune by now, please don’t visit this site anymore. Chances are, this is the 9,000th review for this movie that you have seen, so we’ll keep it short. (We know you’re itching to get to those nude Emma Watson pics). We, like most everyone we know, are HUGE Indy fans, and we’ve looked forward to this movie for quite a while. We would like to report to you that this movie is fantastic, that Dr. Jones has not aged one bit, and that Shia Lebouf playing a pseudo tough guy greaser is not nearly as annoying as you think he is.
It’s not. He has. And oh my God, put the comb down.
That said, it’s not like this was Battlefield Earth 3 or something. It’s definitely an Indiana Jones movie, but it’s also definitely not the best Indiana Jones movie. Though, to be fair, it’s probably better than Temple Of Doom, chilled monkey brains not withstanding. You’re going to see it, so we’ll spare you the plot synopsis, but we will say this to Mr. Spielberg,
“Hey Steve, nice CGI. Stop spending so much time with George Lucas, and get back to real movie making. We know a fake monkey when we see it. “
Folks, you may not realize it now, but we’re doing you a huge service. By drastically lowering your expectations, we’re ensuring that you will enjoy this movie as much as possible. Go. Buy some popcorn. Watch the Batman Trailer. And try not to think too hard about whether or not someone can survive a nuclear blast by climbing into a kitchen appliance.
GRADE: B
May 26, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I just saw it. I appreciate you lowering my expectations — that helped me appreciate its mediocrity.
Seriously. A sci-fi? C’mon.
May 26, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Ha ha! He’s only kidding folks, it’s not a sci-fi. To tell you that before you’ve seen the film would be a tremendous spoiler and Manchild would never do that.
Confidential to Manchild: My God, what a sci-fi piece of crap. And can you believe how they killed Sean Connery at the end by implanting an alien in his chest? That was seriously uncalled for.
May 27, 2008 at 5:32 pm
WARNING! SPOILERS! And LEECHES!
Ok…
1.) The actual crystal skull — What. The. Bloody. Bloody. Fuck. Saran Wrap in a glass jar.
2.) LeBeouf as Marlon Brando — What. The. Why?
3.) Thank god for that lead refrigerator — What. The. Hee hee, that was actually pretty funny.
4.) Cate Blanchett — I love you, Cate, but what happened? Spielberg, why did you take a money-counting break when you were supposed to direct her?
5.) Three waterfalls — Neo-blockbusters = all regular people are now superhuman.
6.) CGI — Gross.
7.) Aliens — Seriously?
8.) Where are the leeches? — I was lying.
May 27, 2008 at 9:07 pm
9.) What an awful, awful script. It makes Revenge of the Sith read like Gosford Park. How busy were they stuffing 1957 references in the movie. WE GET IT, George. It’s 1957. People use combs and say things like Daddy-o and go to malt shops. I’ve never known another Indy movie to spend so much time pandering to the audience to belabor what year it is. Just get to some jungle scene and poison darts and make with the boobie traps.
May 27, 2008 at 9:31 pm
10.) Way to cast John Hurt for NO reason.
11.) We haven’t even mentioned Shia’s little Tarzan extravaganza. I have consulted with my advisors and I’m ready to declare that as the worst moment of Steven Spielberg’s directing career.
May 28, 2008 at 8:55 am
12.) And ants that can eat a whole person? I mean, seriously. I’m willing to accept an arc that melts peoples faces, but not ants that can carry a man down an anthill hole. That’s just fucking ridiculous. I feel like I just walked in on JarJar Binks having sex with my wife.
May 28, 2008 at 12:44 pm
You: We know a fake monkey when we see it.
Us: [Single tear]