The Dapper Lad

Just because it’s technically the “off-season” for USA! USA! USA!’s national past time, it doesn’t mean the NFL is off the radar. Far from it. NFL analysts get paid year-round (not like those lazy school teachers who sit on their ass for 3 months of the year), so the analysts have to scour the headlines for stories and angles. Just repeat the NFL beat writer’s matra, “no story too small over which to feign indignation.”

Here are the NFL stories this week, that had the misfortune of occurring during the doldrums of the “off-season,” thus receiving that extra bit o’ scrutiny, in order to fill 24 hours of cable news coverage:

* Adam “Pacman” Jones (arrested 6 times since 2005) owes $20,000 to Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. A request for a warrant has been submitted by the Clark County DA’s office (insert sound of Law & Order “bumm-bumm”), but Pacman’s lawyers swear the check is in the mail. Indignation factor: 3/10. Really, after 6 arrests, bouncing a check in Vegas is like jaywalking. By the way, when are ESPN and NBC going to hook-up for a Law & Order: NFL? I want to see Ice-T interrogating Marvin Harrison.

* The Altanta Falcons signed their first round and third-overall draft pick, QB Matt Ryan (not to be confused with Jake Ryan), to a 6-year $72 million deal. Which is strange, because last time Atlanta did that, it worked out so well. Indignation factor: 6/10. NFL veterans have a right to grumble about this one; here’s a kid who has never set foot on a football field, and may be as lousy as Ryan Leaf (doubt it).

* Just as the NFL was closing the chapter on the New England Patriots’ Spygate scandal, another story surfaces that the Patriots bent the rules on letting injured-reserve players practice with the team. Indignation Factor: 1/10. Who cares. Why is this even a story? Is there a competitive advantage? No. That’s like complaining that someone didn’t fill in the bubble with their #2 pencil completely. Big frackin deal.

* The St. Louis Rams aren’t going anywhere. Seriously? this is news? NEWSLASH: Everything is as it was 10 seconds ago, carry on. Indignation factor: 0.5/10.