Archive for May 22, 2008

Just hope she’s not a physics grad student

Posted in Our Meaningless Lives with tags , , on May 22, 2008 by Manchild

Here we are on the precipice of a three day weekend. And that means one things: Barbecue parties. And BBQ parties mean making insufferable small talk while waiting for some jackass to overcook the meat.

So while you wait to scarf down some wieners or munch on some pie (these phrases are thrown in purely to increase Google hits), you’re going to want some conversation topics. And we’ve got just the link for you: Does Time Run Backward in Other Universes? Seriously. Drop the entropy bomb at your next shindig, and watch the ladies swarm to you like moths to the flame.

And don’t even bother reading the whole thing. We don’t. We only skim this shit to pick up just enough info, like lint rollers passing over a dark suit, to make people think we know what we’re talking about. You broach a topic like entropy, and ain’t nobody gonna question you deeper. You’re safe.

Bonus points for working facts from this article into a pickup line, such as: “Damn girl. You’re so fine — no matter which way your time arrow flows you’re only going to get hotter.” Or, “Damn, my calculations can’t even begin to figure out the entropic state nor inflatiary period that resulted in a fine specimen like you…given a closed system.”

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Dapper Lad Blog stats

Posted in Our Meaningless Lives with tags , , on May 22, 2008 by Manchild

Here are the top 10 search terms that have landed random people on The Dapper Lad website today. See if you can detect a pattern:

emma watson pussy 16
emma watson nude 15
emma watson upskirt 11
emma watson up skirt 2
emma watson +pussy 2
watson pussy 2
emma watson nude pussy 1
merck studies ghostwritten 1
emma watson’s pussy 1
emma watson pussy pic

We like to think that “merck studies ghostwritten” is really just a typo for “emma watson upskirt.”

Also, we appreciate the brevity of “watson pussy.” The guy searching for watson pussy obviously doesn’t have time to describe WHICH watson. After all. Isn’t that implied? “Look, if we’re scouring the ‘net for watson pussy, it’s obviously Emma’s!”

Then there’s the “emma watson nude pussy.” You know, to rule out the “emma watson fully clothed pussy” links. Similar to the person searching for “emma watson pussy pic” — the word pic is included to filter out those mundane stories about emma watson’s pussy.

Lastly, we’re not sure what it says about us or the people googling us that the gramatically correct “emma watson’s pussy” only managed to find us 1 time, while “emma watson pussy” found us 16 times. The disturbing thing about the latter — the missing apostrophe — makes it seem as if it is a type of pussy. Man walks into pussy store, “I’m looking for emma watson pussy.” Clerk behind counter, “Sure, we just got a shipment in last night. What size you want?”

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Stuffing the All Star Ballot Box

Posted in Sports with tags , , on May 22, 2008 by Bill Arkansaw

We went to the A’s game a while ago on a Monday night. We had good seats by the 3rd base line so we heckled Melvin Mora (Hey Melvin, you’re not good at baseball. Yeah, you heard that right. You are bad at baseball!) It was cold and a pitcher’s duel, so we did what any good A’s fan would: we stuffed the ballot box. Because it is not longer 1989, (living in the past! 3,000 years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax; you’re goddamned right I’m living in the past.) Major League Baseball has figured out that the best way to stop ballot stuffing is to give each ballpark the same number of ballots, so the only stuffing happens over the internet and the only people with enough time to stuff ballots that way are the Japanese, thus guaranteeing that Ichiro will be an All-Star until at least 2050 (despite that his OPS that is .143 points lower than Jack Cust’s.) Because just voting for A’s would have become an exercise in hanging chad removal, we started doing a different theme for each All-star ballot:

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American Airlines. You so crazy!

Posted in News with tags , on May 22, 2008 by Manchild

As part of their “Piss Off Our Customers” initiative, American Airlines announced this today:

American Reduces Capacity, Charges for First Bag

American Airlines announced that the airline would reduce its domestic flight schedule by 11 percent to 12 percent from the previous year. American added that the carrier would also introduce a $15 fee for the first checked bag. A second bag will cost $25 to check.

The fee, which is effective for tickets purchased on or after June 15, does not apply to the following AAdvantage program members: Gold, Platinum and Executive Platinum, and those who have purchased full-fare tickets in the Economy, Business and First Class cabins; and those with international itineraries (except to and from Canada and U.S. territories, such as Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands). Currently, no other domestic carriers have instituted this policy.

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You think the speed of your fingers can match the strength of my fists?

Posted in Our Meaningless Lives with tags , , on May 22, 2008 by Manchild

Someday when you’re 64, with your grand children gathered ’round on their knees, how will you tell the tale of Iron Mike Tyson? Will you remember the post-Robin Givens (a.k.a. “Black Skeletor”), Buster Douglas-losing, ear-biting loony-farm Mike Tyson? Or will you paint the more favorable image of Tyson as the golden child who saved boxing in the 80s, spawned one of the best video games ever, and the man who inspired countless, “Would you rather go one round with Tyson or [fill in the blank]” hypotheticals?

We humbly submit to you… the latter.

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There’s someone in my house, eating my birthday cake, with my family, and it’s not me!

Posted in Health & Science, News with tags , , on May 22, 2008 by Manchild

Quick. Someone call Adam Gibson.

A US biotech company on Wednesday announced it will auction off the right for five dog owners to have their furry best friend cloned, with bidding starting at 100,000 dollars.

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