The Dapper Lad

Scarlett Johansson is engaged to some dude who was previously engaged to Alanis Morissette. This casts Morissette’s 1995’s hit single “You Ought to Know” in an entirely different light, especially because Johansson was 11 when it was a hit:

I want you to know, that I’m happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
A (younger, hotter) version of me
Is (Scarlett Johansson) perverted like me?
Would (Scarlett Johansson) go down on you in a theatre? (ed. note: Probably.)
Does (Scarlett Johansson) speak eloquently?
And would (Scarlett Johansson) have your baby? (And ruin that figure? I think not.)
I’m sure (Scarlett Johansson) would make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak (Scarlett Johansson’s) name
Does (Scarlett Johansson) know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you’re still alive

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck (Scarlett Johansson)

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak (Scarlett Johansson’s) name
Does (Scarlett Johansson) know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you’re still alive

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I’m not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back
I hope you feel it…well can you feel it

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Update: Scarlett has told us that being married won’t change our relationship at all and that her pre-nup specifically states that her continuation of our affair will not be grounds for divorce.