The Dapper Lad

Scarlett Johansson is engaged to some dude who was previously engaged to Alanis Morissette. This casts Morissette’s 1995’s hit single “You Ought to Know” in an entirely different light, especially because Johansson was 11 when it was a hit:

I want you to know, that I’m happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
A (younger, hotter) version of me
Is (Scarlett Johansson) perverted like me?
Would (Scarlett Johansson) go down on you in a theatre? (ed. note: Probably.)
Does (Scarlett Johansson) speak eloquently?
And would (Scarlett Johansson) have your baby? (And ruin that figure? I think not.)
I’m sure (Scarlett Johansson) would make a really excellent mother
Read more »

Even though the Battle of Puebla was fought a full 17 years before Zapata was born, we here at The Dapper Lad are very fuzzy on our Mexican history (largely because we’d come to Latin American History after a couple of shots of mezcal) and therefore still believe that yelling “!Viva Zapata! Viva la Revolucion!” is the 2nd best way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Of course the best way is to chug a bottle of tequila and then smash up the local French bistro with a machete. Suck it Napoleon III!

Zapata’s mustache would shoot Marlon Brandon’s mustache’s imitation of Zapata’s mustache in the face if it was given the opportunity. Read more »

Dapper Lad contributor Marxiano has finally stepped out of the shadows in his new music video ‘Up In Your Inbox.’

That was fantastic, oh and by the way if Marxiano ever gives you that look he gives the camera at the video, you are getting something…don’t fight it, you are.

Last week we went down to North Carolina to find out how people in that crucial state feel about Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and being the focus of the national media.

During our forty-five minute lay-over at Charlotte’s Douglas Airport, we spoke with people of all races, ages, and height.

At “The Official NASCAR Gift Shop,” a young Caucasian woman named Sally was neatly stacking hats. Was she one of the many Democratic voters shifting to Clinton after Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s much publicized comments in Washington DC? We may never know, as another customer got to her first and asked about the price of a t-shirt.

All we could do was slip a Dale Earnhardt shot glass into our pocket.

Across the way, Gladys, a middle aged African-American woman was working the cash register at “Carolina Gifts.” “That will be four dollars and fifty cents,” she told a gentleman buying some postcards and a key chain, as we put a Snickers bar down our sleeve and quickly walked out of the store with purpose, looking (and this is key) straight ahead.

We made our way to a food court area in search of the all important blue collar voter. At “The News Connection” we spotted two white men in work clothes, their bulk provided the perfect screen for us to quickly shove a copy of Esquire down our pants.

Finally, we made a stop the Great American Bagel, where most of the food is behind a glass partition. We asked a cashier with an impossible to spell name how she felt about Tuesday’s primary, she laughed and told us, “I don’t know.”

Done. Slam dunk!

It’s not easy to do this kind of reporting from the field, so we rewarded ourselves with an everything bagel, and cranberry juice that for some reason tasted extra good (wink).

We can’t believe how easy Jeff Foxworthy’s job is.