Apocalypse Now Party!
Twelve days ago, we called Frank Thomas out for hitting a homerun against the A’s, comparing it to hitting a home run off of one’s mother. Sure, anyone can do it, but it doesn’t make it right. In what might be the ultimate instant kharmic bitchslap ever, he hasn’t gotten a hit since and has been cut from the Blue Jays after catching a nasty case of club house cancer.
Yesterday, we predicted the end of the world. Since we were right about Frank Thomas, we’re obviously right about the end of the world and now can actually come up with a date. Since it took twelve days from the time we called out Frank Thomas, until he got the axe, it follows that the world will take twelve days to destroy itself from yesterday, meaning the end of the world will be on May 2nd. Everyone know that this is just basic reasoning 101. As such, we’re throwing the official Apocalypse Now party on May 1st (giving us a full day to covert to Catholicism, repent and be absolved after the party, but before the world actually ends.)
We already have a great line up of entertainment for this party. REM is going to play “It’s the end of the world as we know it,” but they’re insisting on being allowed to play some of the shitty stuff off of their new album, because they’re in a contract year and need to sell some of that slop. I figure if everyone just promises to download a couple of songs, they’ll go away. They’re going to be followed by Prince, who is going to be singing “1999″ with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Sure he was off by nine years, but “we’re going to party like it is May 2008″ just doesn’t roll off the tongue the same way, so we’re going to cut him some slack. The musical entertainment is going to be closed by Zombie Jim Morrison singing “The End” (assuming we can get him to sober up long enough to make it on the stage.)
Benedict XVI is going to be there and he said he would definitely be willing to ghost ride the Popemobile but only if Danica Patrick does it with him.
The location hasn’t been finalized, but it is probably going to be in Mecca because ghost riding the Popemobile around the Kabaa with a bikini clad Danica Patrick, while rocking out to an ass-less body suit wearing Prince, seems like as good a way to bring in the end of days as any. If we can’t book Mecca, we are going to try to do it in Tibet, Fallujah, or the Mall of America. Depending on where it ends up, there will be guest appearances by zombie Mao and the 13 Dalai Lama zombies, zombie Saddam, or zombie Kirby Puckett We hope to see you there!
