The Dapper Lad

So we are pretty sure these are the end of days and have some incredibly compelling evidence to prove it:

1.) The next President is going to either be black, a woman or another goddamned republican.

2.) There is a kosher margarine shortage, proving that the Jews are no longer in control of the situation.

3.) Mariah Carey has the #1 song in the country.

4.) The pope, aka the anti-Christ, is at the UN.

5.) Bread prices are through the roof.

6.) A woman is better at turning right over and over and over and over and over than any man. They are already making noise about being allowed to turn left and parallel park. You can almost see the pillars of civil society crumbling. What’s next we ask you? Three point turns?

7.) More than a 10th of the way into the season, the A’s are in first place.

8.) The authorities are cracking down on celestial/plural marriage in Texas despite the fact that God told John Smith that He was cool with it.

If newspapers weren’t a dead media, we would be excited about having totally scooped them on the biggest story EVER! Oooooh, Face! When the world ends, we don’t want to hear any whining out of any of youse all about not being warned in advance.