The Dapper Lad

Tip #2: Start a penis theft panic.

Tip #1: Everyday for the next month go to the same news stand wearing dark glasses and a hat. Purchase a copy of the new Vanity Fair.

April 29th, 2008, a release date that has instantly become a landmark day in video games.

Everything we once knew about what video games are capable of has been demolished, a new way of gaming has been established.

Offices are empty, everyone has called in sick.

I picked up my copy, do you have yours?

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In the early days of the The Dapper Lad, before we went “public” and had a massive readership (673 page views last week! Look out google, we’re coming for you!) we wrote a number of posts about the A’s. It is hard to write good baseball humor, but at the same time we (I) were giddy that they weren’t as terrible as everyone thought that they would be, after the off-season of our discontent, which saw all the team’s stars (and Marco Suctaro) get traded away. Realizing that no one actually cared about the plucky kids, we tried to subsume our compulsion to write about the A’s, but the seven (7) step program we entered to deal with this problem obviously isn’t working.

After last night’s 14-2 savaging of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (there should be a slaughter rule in Major League Baseball), the A’s have the best record in the American League. While the book might still be out about whether or not they are actually this good (they aren’t) they haven’t been winning games because they’ve been lucky: they’ve scored more runs than any other team in the AL. Someone might point out that they’ve played more games than anyone else in the AL, which would be an entirely valid point. But then we would point out to this someone, that they also have given up fewer runs than any other team in the majors! That’s in your face whoever you are! Read more »

Man Arrested On Drug Charges After Pumping Gas Into Imaginary Car

You guys should all come over to our courtyard house later. Dashan rules!

Deadspin pointed out a lovely little article from the New York Post (it must be legitimate journalism) about an ongoing affair Roger Clemens had with some country singer that we’ve never heard of that started when she was fifteen (15!) While this explains why fundamentalist Mormons are such big Clemens fans, we feel that Deadspin missed the best part of the article: the happy adulterous couple going to a party that involved cigars with Michael Jordan and Monica Lewinsky!

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In our never ending struggle to bring you all the pirate news that is fit to print…

We don’t want to alarm anyone… but a Somalia piracy resolution was introduced at the United Nations. Sure, on the surface, that seems all well and dandy.

BUT! Keep in mind… pirate attacks on commercial vessels is precisely how Emperor Palpatine rose to power; using the Trade Federation as his puppet. And isn’t it a little suspcious that UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon and Nute Gunray, viceroy of the Trade Federation, both have Koean accents?

Two headlines made the future of the Oakland Raiders apparent:

The Oakland Raiders have signed former Washington running back Louis Rankin and five other undrafted free agents.

 Oakland Raiders Cut Dominic Rhodes

You don’t have to be a rocket surgeon to figure this one out–Louis Rankin is going to be the Raiders’s feature back for the foreseeable future.

Why not? The guy runs a 4.0 40.

Update: You might want to listen to this without the sound. It was pointed out to Dapper Lad staff that the “soundtrack” is really creepy.

Apparently, the Raiders drafted some other RB, but we’ve never heard of him.

This weekend was the NFL draft. For NFL geeks, this is like Christmas. (Wait. No, NFL kick-off is like Christmas. This is like Halloween — the next best thing leading up to Christmas. The pre-season is like Thanksgiving — sandwiched between the draft and the regular season; lots of stuff available to fill your NFL appetite; but ultimately, it’s sort of lackluster and not exciting; and just like out-of-town family, at least you get to watch players that you only see once a year.)

However, for those of you who want to stay hip to the local sports scene, here are talking points for your watercooler press conference:

• Seattle’s first pick (#28 towards the end of round 1) was Lawrence Jackson, a defensive end out of USC. FYI, you only need to memorize the full name of pick #1. Everyone else is last name only. Read more »