The Dapper Lad

Change Your Life Forever, a coming-of-age drama comedy centered around Pete Rickey, an all-American football benchwarmer and straight-B student who discovers that life is difficult for a high school teenager, until he gets bit by a vampire and drops all his other endeavors in pursuit of the sweet, sweet blood. Rated G.

Fire and Ice in Your Pants, a cop buddy-film about detectives Mike Fire and Alfonso Ice in the dingy, crime-ridden town of Your Pants, Alaska. Stuffed with cute musical numbers and a side-plot about saving the earth from a rogue asteroid, see Alaska the way the Bible describes it. Rated NC-17 for references to Alaska.

Don’t Make the Wife Wait, a period drama set in the year 5,901 when all humankind has been extinct for a couple of milleniums and Sarah Billintransitoriumczshffg has finally awoken from cryogenic sleep only to realize her lovable Billintransitoriumczshffg family is gone. Rated F8 for utter confusion and dish towels.

Illustrious Names in the Watch Industry, a documentary about the Swiss watch industry in the 1920s and the infamous story of how the timepieces were all plagued by a mysterious component called the Illustrious Names virus, which turned them all into documentaries about the Swiss watch industry in the 1920s and the infamous story of how the timepieces were all plagued by a mysterious component called the Illustrious Names virus, which turned them all into documentaries about the Swiss watch industry in the 1920s and the infamous story of how the timepieces were all plagued by a mysterious component called the Illustrious Names virus, which turned them all into documentaries about the Swiss watch industry in the 1920s and the infamous story of how the timepieces were all plagued by a mysterious component called the Illustrious Names virus, which turned them all into vampires. Rated with invisible ink, so we dunno.

Get Freaky at the Motel, a new family cartoon from those lovably insane inmates at the Highland Asylum for the Arts about two dust particles that don’t do anything for 40 hours. Rated R for inexplicable violence but, upon order from the warden to remove the sharp points, Rated O.

Rise and Shine to a Longer Beginning, marketed as a another coming-of-age drama, this film is actually blank. Rated XXX for hilarity involving bowler hats.

I Wanted to Increase My Emotional Bond By Having Sex, another installment of the Mike Fire and Alfonso Ice cop franchise, Detectives Fire and Ice are now on the case of a smashed mango with a secret. Rated 8.5 on the high jump but 4.3 in the swimsuit competition.

81% Discount. Coupon #HP2u, a restoration comedy with a taste for ingenuous dissatisfaction for prolonged, interstitially condensed Lopadtemakhoselakhogameokranioleipsanodrimypotrimmatosilphiokarabomelit- okatakekhymenokikhlepikossyphophattoperisterphobiaticlerialektryonoptokephallio-kigklopeleiolagoiosiraiobaphetraganopterygon (that’s right, look it up, jerks). Rated “Best Cafe” by the King of Your Pants.

I Felt Jealous, a film about how I felt about you, Claudia. Rated with tears.

Do not miss a %SPAMIT_CHANE1 to obtain must have medical goods for cheap, a film which, upon closer examination, is actually just Fire and Ice in Your Pants with Spanish subtitles. Rated $%_1ENLARGEMENT.