Bathtime Ultimatum
It’s amazing how good of a father I was before I had kids. I specifically remember an instance on an airplane with a father staring blankly at the person’s head in front of him while his child kicked the seat in front him, “Stop it,” the father repeated, gaze never breaking, “stop it, stop it, just stop it, I’ll give you [insert] if you stop, I’ll take away [insert] if you don’t stop.”
At the time I wasn’t a father and I thought to myself that the man should really take an interest in the child and look him in the eye and talk to him - like an adult. Then I had children. Reality hit. There are a lot of things no one tells you: There is lack of sleep - not college lack of sleep - Guantanamo lack of sleep, the idea of luxury changes from a three day weekend out of town to an uninterrupted bowel movement.
Then small concessions: a little bit of T.V. then lot bit of T.V., candy bribes, chips for lunch, yelling, pointing, counting BUT ONLY TO THREE! - All the things I said I would never do as a parent began to surface until recently I gave this ultimatum while bathing my two boys: “Stop licking your little brother’s butt cheek or I’ll dump this cup of water in your face!”
Now I just sit and stare at the back of things and repeat: “Stop it, stop it, just stop it, I’ll give you [insert] if you stop, I’ll take away [insert] if you don’t stop.”
