The Dapper Lad

Hey, here’s a pickup line you may want to try out this Friday night at your local watering hole: “So, wanna go back to my place and reduce excitation levels in your dorsomedial prefrontal cortex?”

Okay, so maybe this article on the neuroscience behind orgasms wasn’t as titillating as we hoped it would be (no pictures, how-to manuals, or road maps to help us find the clitoris)… but for you “science of sex” geeks, it’s an interesting read.

Things we knew:

• Male desire was triggered easiest through tactile and visual stimuli. (i.e., looking at Playboy); female desire was triggered easiest when they felt safe and comfortable
• Females arouse straight men; males around gay men
• Gay women are not aroused by naked men exercising or masturbating
• The male brain sees ejaculation as a “most rewarding” behavior

Things we didn’t know:

• Women are turned on equally by male and female sexual acts, as well as by watching bonobos copulate
• Brain activity drops during female orgasm; at the moment of orgasm, women do not have any emotional feelings

Oh, and you didn’t hear this from us– but consider buying stock in Palatin Technologies. They’re developing a pill that can regulate chemicals in the brain much the way natural stimulation does. (Think “little blue pill but for women.”)

We know it because this guy told us:

“Jason Taylor is 6′8″ or something. It’s amazing that he can dance like that…You know who else is on that show? Kristi Yamaguchi.”

Hey it’s me John Edwards, how y’all doin’.

I know you’ve been calling me every day for the past three months asking if I would help you move. Well here I am.

What’s that, you finished everything last week? Wow, that was a hell of job; I mean you had all of those couches and solid oak desks. Golly, that’s impressive.

Well I can take those small shoe boxes out to the curb if you’d like.

Yes sir, there is nothing like helping someone out. Hey don’t forget this when you gotta name an Attorney General or something.

We know that a few of you out there are staunch atheists like . . . me, so you might find this entertaining.

Once again the Catholic chuch has taken the first step to minimize the damage that continues to be done do it’s core doctrine by rational, sane, academic discovery.

My favorite quote, and you must admit, this is quite gracious on the part of the church, “And some aliens could even be free from original sin, he speculates.”

What a great and loving God!  Give me a break. . .

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7399661.stm

In case you’re having trouble keeping track of how old presidential candidate John McCain is, (Hint: really goddamn old) this helpful website puts it into context:

http://www.thingsyoungerthanmccain.com/

Our personal favorite things younger than McCain?

Alaska…

and Keith Richards

We find that a dozen roses are always a good way to tell the missus, we’re sorry. So how many flowers does the Catholic church need to buy the world when the Vatican admits God may have created intelligent life on other planets? Sorry, Galileo. Whatever it was we said, we take it back. Why won’t you let us love you?

We were sick last week; REALLY sick. So sick, in fact, that we called in sick from work for 3 straight days. We haven’t been that sick since the summer of ‘98 when Dave Matthews played 3 straight shows at the Gorge . . . and we were “sick” for all of them.

We digress. Being sick gives us time to catch up on all the cool things that work and life steal away from us in small increments until we die sad and lonely in a trailer bought with our 401K scratch. Oooh, a butterfly! One of the things we rediscovered during our sickness was the sheer joy that accompanies hour upon hour of mind numbing video gaming.

We poured ourselves out of bed at 11am and somehow made it to Fred Meyer on Aurora to purchase the latest installment of the Grand Theft Auto series. Then, we took it for a test drive. A 3 day test drive. Overall, the game is great. We tend to be the type of person that takes the high road in video games, you know, like choosing the “light side” path in “Star Wars Jedi Knight” and naming ourselves “The Righteous Judgmentor” at parties. But to fully enjoy Grand Theft Auto 4, you have to become comfortable with your darker tendencies.

“I know it’s noon, but I’m just in the mood for a blow job from a male crack addict.” Things like that. Once you can embrace that sort of thing, you’re well on your way.

Shooting people for no reason is fun, especially if they’re a hooker and they just provided you a “service” and you’re only killing them to get your money back. Carjacking is fun, especially when you ditch the car 100 yards down the road, wait for the “jackee” to catch up, get in his car, and then jack him again. The stunt jumps have no grounding in physics whatsoever, cars magically stay perfectly horizontal even at distances in excess of 500 feet.

Our favorite part, and probably the most unnoticed, is simply driving around town and listening to the fake radio stations, complete with fake commercials. The fake commercials are the best, because you get to hear credit card commercials where someone says,

“I got yoga bills like a mother fucker.”

Or, the male enhancement pill ad where a cocky new prescribee boasts, “It’s time to do a little something like exercise I call fucking like a bandit.”

Our main critique of the game is that once you’ve done everything, you’ve pretty much done everything. In game, as in life, you can only kill so many cops before it loses it’s appeal. You can only buy so many guns before you start to realize the logistical nightmare of staying fully stocked on ammunition. You can only go on so many killing rampages before you start to think none of it really matters, because at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to drive all the way across town to your tiny little safehouse, park your favorite car out front, climb the stairs to the shit hole you call a home, and watch the animation where you lay down on the bed and “save the game?”.

Here is the (PDF) link to the official Kirkland Police Report for Lofa Tatupu’s DUI arrest. Which surprisingly is quite a stimulating read. We think arresting officer Askdal may have a real future in crime scene novels, with descriptive passages such as:

“The ground was dry and the area was lit by overhead streetlights. The emergency equipment on my patrol vehicle was turned off. Tatupu was wearing a pair of Nike athletic shoes.”

John Grisham, eat your heart out. This report has everything:

Action: a brief car chase. (Well, not really a chase, but at least a detailed description of how Tatupu was driving and which lanes he switched into. Of note, Officer Askdal has an amazing memory, by the way.)

Comedy: Read the part about Tatupu attempting the field sobriety test. (By the way kids, this report also documents the exact test administered by the KPD. We suggest you practice the walking test everyday when sober, so the next time you get pulled over, drunk as a skunk, you can ace it.)

Real police adventure: Officer Askdal realizes he didn’t read the Miranda rights. So he pulls his car over and reads them.

Suspense: Read the nail-biting account of Tatupu failing his first two “blows” into the breathalyzer. Only after being threatened on the third attempt, does Tatupu finally complete the test. (By the way, should we be worried that our best middle linebacker isn’t strong enough to complete a breathalyzer test?)

Drama: Tatupu hangs up on the public defender and refuses to talk to him! Lovers’ spat? (Or, perhaps his conversation had ended and he was just too drunk to hang the phone back up. We prefer the former.)

Questionable Car choices: Why does a guy who just got a 40 million dollar contract drive a 2006 Hyundai? For the love of God. Personally, we think this is the most embarrassing element of all. Sure, a DUI is a blight on your record… BUT DRIVING A FREAKIN HYUNDAI? C’mon. Now we’ve really lost respect for Tatupu.

The AP is reporting that a Syrian blogger was sentenced to three years in jail for undermining national morale and weakening the prestige of the state. Hmm. We didn’t know these were criminal offenses; watch out George W! Hey-oh. Rimshot. Try the veal.

The Mormon Church has attempted to gag the internet over the publishing of a confidential handbook for church leaders.